Look Mom, No Power!!

Bad stuff can happen when you don’t have your crap together at bill paying time – say, 4 months in a row.  Our household prides itself on being digitally savvy in the extreme.  Bills? It’s almost like they aren’t even there – the computer just takes care of it.  Instead of slaving through a balance sheet and sticking stamps on envelopes, I can consume all manner of caffein H Bombs at coffee shops while listening to feedback wridden cowboy music, or try out a $12.00 electric guitar at Wallmart,  or solve my weight problem by evaluating the most expensive running shoe imagineable.

 There is a catch, of course.  That’s when you finally reach that level of Nirvana where you just stop checking mail.  Stop checking answering machine messages.  And at some point maybe stop bothering to walk all the way to the toilet.

If these damn creditors and utility companies want my money so bad, they can reach me through my Facebook account, damnit!  So what if we changed our phone number recently as the result of being completey raped by Vonage in the process of attempting voice over IP.

Well folks, when you stop paying the power company, they turn off your power.  OFF.  It’s 90 degrees outside, our 20 month old had just gone down for a nap, and my wife called:

Wife: “I’m pissed – they turned off the power!”

 Me: “Guess what I’m eating right now – ice cream!”  I happened to be at an outdoor work celebration type thing.

Wife: “Did you hear me?  There’s no power in the house!”

And so it went.  Not until we forked over the ENTIRE balance plus a $275 reconnection fee did the power come back.  The baby slept through the whole thing, and I didn’t get a bit of ice cream on my shirt.  And for the remainder of the day, whenever anyone asked me if I had a quarter, I told them:

“Our power was disconnected today – I can’t (sniff) give you any money.”

Surprisingly, no one gave me the contents of their wallet or purse.  No one seemed sympathetic in the least, not even when I explained that it was because we hadn’t paid a bill since April.

I wanted to go down to the power company and shout at someone – well, maybe just move my mouth and gesticulate since I wouldn’t really have much to say.

Paying bills is so trite, so old school, so pedantic.  Did you know there’s such thing as a pedant?  I’m not one of those.  When will my creditors get on board with the knowledge that I’m a free spirit needing room to breath? 

A little AC and refridgeration wouldn’t hurt either.


Minneapolis 35W Bridge Tragedy (Hey Media!!)

Hey Media!  Let’s loosen the ties, smudge the makeup, and do everything in our power to make ourselves seem to be in peril.  Let’s interview everyone that knows how to spell “35W,” let’s crank some tears out of disappointingly non-frazzled victims,  and let’s wave our mics and cameras menacingly in the faces of anyone considerate enough to demonstrate some real emotion.  What better homage to those that are maimed, heartbroken or deceased – a media  circus in their honor.  It’s Pulitzer Time, baby!